A free guide from Maria Blair

How to Prepare Your Exit

Seven quiet steps to get ready to leave an unhappy marriage, on your own terms.

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A note from me

I ended a 17-year marriage with the man I once called the love of my life. I don't regret it. The only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.

I was in my 40s. It was scary, and it was hard. And it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

If you're reading this, part of you already knows. Maybe you're not ready to leave today. That's okay. This guide isn't about leaving today. It's about getting ready, quietly and on your own terms, so that when you decide, you have a plan.

Life is too short to spend it in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

First: are you safe?

If he hurts you, threatens you, controls your money or phone, or watches where you go, your exit needs a safety plan before anything else. For women in controlling relationships, the time around leaving can be the most dangerous. Please don't do this alone.

They'll help you make a plan that fits your situation. Use a phone or computer he can't check, and clear your history after.

If you're simply unhappy, not unsafe, keep reading. The steps below are what I wish someone had handed me.

Your 7-step exit plan

You don't need to do all of this at once. Start with one step this week. Every step makes you a little less dependent and a little more free.

  1. Start saving, even small.

    Open an account in your name only. $20 a week is a start. Money of your own is the difference between "I can't leave" and "I'm choosing when."

  2. Start earning, even part-time.

    A part-time job, freelance work, or a skill you can sell. It's not only about money. It's about remembering you are capable.

  3. Get legal clarity.

    If you're married, book a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Many offer a first meeting for free or a small fee. You're not filing anything. You're finding out where you stand, so fear stops making your decisions.

  4. Work with a therapist.

    Leaving is emotional, even when it's right. A therapist helps you separate fear from truth and keeps you steady when doubt hits.

  5. Reconnect with your girlfriends, and make new ones.

    Unhappy relationships often shrink our world. Call the friend you lost touch with. Say yes to the invitation. You will need your women.

  6. Start building a more interesting life now.

    A class, a sport, a trip, a hobby you gave up. Don't wait until you're free to start living. The life you build now is what you walk into.

  7. Take a peek at dating sites.

    Not to jump in. Just to see it with your own eyes: there are plenty of men out there, good quality men. Knowing that takes away the "no one will want me" fear. If he checks your phone or computer, wait, or look only on a device he can't see.

The fears that keep us stuck

"I'm too old to start over."

I started over in my 40s. Women do it in their 50s and 60s. Starting over isn't going backwards. It's choosing yourself, at any age.

"There are no good men left."

There are plenty of good, quality men. I've met them. You won't see them from inside an unhappy relationship.

"I'll be alone."

Being single is not being a victim. Single and happy is a beautiful place to be, at least for a while. The right man comes when you're living a life he wants to join.

"What if I regret it?"

I asked myself that too. What I regret is the years I waited.

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This guide shares my personal experience. It isn't legal, financial, or mental health advice.